


All That I Am

by Nighten_Gale



Series: All That We Are [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AU, AlternateAu, Barista!Marco, Crap i forgot sasha and connie omf, M/M, ModernUniverse, My wifi sucks right now tbh, ereri, jeanarmin for plot, jeanmarco, reibertwhoops, relationships arent working so I cant tag reiberi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 18:48:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4972255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nighten_Gale/pseuds/Nighten_Gale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Waking up in a hospital sucks, waking up in a hospital and figuring out that the one you love has completely forgotten about your entire existence sucks even more.<br/>Jean Kirstein was your average man, working as an assistant in a magazine department while his boyfriend ,Marco, was a barista in a simple coffee shop nearby. Everybody around them knew about their relationship - everybody.<br/>So when Jean realizes after the car accident that Marco has part time memory loss, it's not just these two getting involved.<br/>To cry or not to cry, someone will always cry again. To yearn or not to yearn, someone will always hope for the best. A cycle goes on, and on, and obstacles between them are made. But these two know how to fall in love - with memories, or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That I Am

**Author's Note:**

> Oi,Oi,Oi I don't know what I'm doing. Oh my gosh, I actually hope I get to finish this. This is actually pretty fast paced considering I'm usually the one for one-shots, but I swear I'm trying to get better. 
> 
> Sugar or Salt?

“MARCO! Shit, look out!”

 

Jean grabbed the wheel and jerked it to the side. There were sharp gasps leaving the two men as the car screeched and swerved to the side. A huge impact was felt on the front of Jean’s head when his body almost flew forward, but the seatbelt kept him in place. The shattering of glass was heard amongst the men before everything finally went black.

 

A monitor beeping; that was the only thing Jean could hear. He opened his eyes slowly, light coming forth into his vision, and he blinked a few times.  

“Jean?”

Jean’s eyes widened at the male voice and he looked up. Eren was standing at the door, along with Armin, Mikasa, hell, Reiner and Bertholt were there too.

“G-Guys,” Jean choked out. His throat was slightly hurting.

“Fucking finally, you’re awake,” Eren said, chuckling as he walked over (followed by the rest of his friends) and took a seat down by Jean.

Reiner came in last, smiling, “I was afraid, man. Thought some major shit fucked you up.”

Jean smiled a little. He felt as if he hadn’t heard his friends’ voices in a long time. “You really think something as little as this could take me down?” He asked, smirking.

“Well,” Armin started, “You did let a Eren’s German Shepard take you down.” The short blonde smiled at Jean as he kept leaning against the wall.

“Thanks. Glad to know you aren’t a complete ass like the rest.”

“Hey! At least I wasn’t fucking sleeping for three days straight, missing work!” Eren yelled, offended.

The men started to laugh for a while before Eren took on a quite serious face.

“Marco woke up a few hours before you,” He said quietly.

Jean’s eyes clicked wide in horror. “M-Marco,” He shakenly blurted out. His body began to tremble as he sat up straight, already rushing to get himself off the bed. “T-Take me to him.. Now.”  

“You can’t-“

“He’s in the room down the hall. Go to him,” Mikasa interrupted.

Everyone stared at Mikasa, surprised.

“But-“ Eren began.

“Jean if you want to see him, you’ll go,” She said firm.

Jean stared at Eren, who was still glaring at Mikasa. The chocolate haired brunette stayed silent and moved out of the way seconds later. “Go,” He mumbled softly, facing the floor.

Jean took it as an immediate invitation to leap out of bed; he ignored the pain that shot up his body and tugged on his bottom lip.

“Your crutches,” Reiner said as he grabbed them from the corner of the room and handed it to Jean. “Doctor said you’ll need ‘em when you wake.”

“Thanks, man…” He took the crutches and placed them under his arms and worked his way outside the hospital room, nearly dashing by every nurse and doctor. They all felt the need to tell him to go back to his room, but they either pushed the feeling aside, or Jean pushed. _The room down the hall, the room down the hall. Wait for me, Marco._

“Marco!?” Jean yelled, shoving the door open. He looked up and saw as another pair of hazel eyes fell on him. Marco was sitting up calmly against the hospital bed and was just looking out of the window peacefully, that is before he came barging in.

He was replied with a soft smile. “Hello?” He spoke softly.

“Marco, oh my god.” Jean made his way over to Marco’s side and threw the crutches aside. He fell down onto his knees, clutching the bedsheets within his hands and shoved his head into the bed, right beside Marco’s left arm. “You’re okay, holy shit, you’re okay.”

He felt his gaze on him. “Did I worry you?” He asked kindly. “I’m sorry. You must be a friend of Eren’s.”

Jean’s eyes narrowed as he looked up at Marco. He let out a forced laugh, “Marco.. What kind of joke is that?”

The man’s eyes widened, “Wait. You’re not a friend of Eren’s? I’m sorry, are you my cousin in the US that my mom told me about when I was a kid? I promise I usually don’t end up in hospitals much but-“

“No, no, no I’m not your damn cousin. Marco, you don’t know who I am?”

Marco looked confused all of a sudden, eyebrows furrowed. He looked down at Jean, “I don’t... I don’t even know your name.”

“I told you we shouldn’t have let him.”

“Eren, he had to find out what happened himself.”

On the verge of crying, Jean turned around and found Eren, Mikasa, and everyone else at the door.

“You knew?” He whimpered out. “You _knew_ but you never _told me_?”

“I’m confused,” Marco blurted out, interrupting the conversation, “Eren, who is this?”

Jean slowly sunk down from his knees and onto the floor. He wanted to curl up and cry. This really wasn’t happening, was it? No. No, it was only a dream, a nightmare per say. This is a fake, a lie, a harsh reality that doesn’t exist.

Eren started, but then slowly hesitated, “He’s your..”

“Best friend.”

“Mikasa!” Eren hissed.

Jean couldn’t bring himself to protest, too many things were pouring down on him.

“Everyone _shut up_ and take in the situation,” Armin came in, moving everyone aside. “Look at Jean, can’t you see anything? He’s on the floor for crying out loud. Eren, Mikasa figure out way you’re going to say before you actually start nonsense, not that you guys haven’t anyway.”

The blonde huffed and walked to Jean, kneeling down beside him. He had matured over the years; grew a little taller, a bit muscular, and he grew out his hair. Always keeping it tied in the back, but he still kept his somewhat (?) shy personality. “Jean? Hey, come on. Reiner, Betholdt, _someone,_ take his crutches.”

Reiner obeyed and Berhtolt followed him not too far behind as Armin helped the two-tone haired man up onto his feet.

“Armin-“ Eren called as Armin and Jean slowly were exiting the room.

“Eren,” he interrupted, “I’m trusting you both on this. Please know what you’re doing.”

As they began on ahead, Jean heard the murmuring of the two siblings.

“……ou lying?”

“..caus.. e ca..”

He bit his lip again as he hung his head, wanting his body to just go limp carelessly. He never felt such a heart aching feeling before.

Heart-breaking?

Cold?

Painful?

Despair?

By the time he was troubled in so much thought, he hadn’t realized Armin had been trying to get him tucked into the hospital bed.

“I-It’s okay, I’m fine.”

“It’s hard,” Armin said calmly as he moved away and sat in the guest chair, “You can’t be ‘fine’.”

Jean shakenly let out a sigh as he sat up, right hand running right through his hair and clutching the strands, “I don’t.. Armin, I- Shit, I- This isn’t happening.”

Amin stood up, “Jean-”

“ _No,_ Armin. This is a dream. This has to be, no, _no_ , oh my god, please no-“

The blonde sat down on the edge of the hospital bed, narrowing his eyes down at Jean, “Calm down, plea-“

Jean shook his head frantically, tears forming fast in the corners of his eyes. “Wake me up, Armin. I want to wake up. Please, _please,_ please, I just want to wake up now, please-“ He started to choke on his words; the hot trail of tears were running down his face, and he couldn’t stop them.

He didn’t know the exact details of what was (and is) happening to Marco, but he did know that Marco had forgotten him. Forgotten him to the point that he didn’t even know he exists . Little by little, without even knowing, Marco was already slipping away. Jean leaned forward in desperation for something, _anything_ , to latch on to and was met with a shoulder. His hand that was once clutching his hair grabbed on to the back of the Armin’s shoulder.

 “I’m sorry,” he whispered softly,” I’m so sorry, Jean…”

There were a different pair of smooth fingers running down Jean’s hair, attempting to comfort him. The touch was delicate and calm.

The hand belonged to Armin.

 

Jean’s history with Armin wasn’t a doozy. These two men had once fallen in love, and well, it was one sided. One sided because Armin never knew, and Jean was the one to keep it hidden. The two-tone haired man had kept his high school to half of college crush a secret. He once had the balls to go up and ask the blonde on the date, but he never could after Armin had given him a sentimental speech about how he was super glad to be best friends with him.

But then that was when Marco came barging in.

“It’s just a short term memory loss,” Eren stated.

“Yeah,” Reiner chimed in as he leaned against his tall, brunette boyfriend.

Everyone (not including Marco) was able to re-collect themselves back in Jean’s hospital room after the man had settled down. The doctor had discussed to them about what exactly had happened to Marco shortly before leaving them be again.

“ _Just_ short term memory loss? Guys, didn’t you hear? God fucking dammit, he said it could be as long as more than a few months, _years_ maybe! What if he never even remembers?” Jean narrowed his eyes before glaring at the siblings. “What did you guys even tell Marco anyway?”

Mikasa stepped forth, “In order to start off slow, we claimed you as his best friend. The doctor said to not stress him. If Eren had said you’re his boyfriend then he could overthink things and try harder to remember. It could make the situation worse.”

“But that’s-“

“Honestly a good idea for now.”

“Armin…”

The blonde looked at Jean, “We can’t discuss this for long. Marco’s all alone over there, okay? The doctors need to check up on you still, and you need to rest.” He set a hand on Jean’s shoulder. “It’s all going to work out. Trust us.”

Jean bit his lip, looking down. He was right; they were all right. He needed to calm down for now.

“Right. Yeah.. Okay.”

Armin smiled and nudged him with his hand before backing off. “We’ll be back soon.”

“Get out of here, idiots,” Jean mumbled.

 

The evening that night was terrible. After all the check-ups from random shit-nurses, Jean was left alone. Earlier, he had asked a random doctor to open the window, and was quite thankful for that. The moon was surprisingly bright, and the midnight breeze was unexceptionally cool. It made the translucent curtains drift in mid-air. He kept staring at it, smiling.

 

_“Hey, hey, hey, check that out,” Jean said with a gigantic smile on his face as he pointed up towards the night sky. “You see that?”_

_Marco stood next him and looked up, tilting his head. “The stars?”_

_“Yeah, the stars. But you see the Big Dipper?”_

_“..Yeah. What about it? I went to third grade just so you kn-“_

_He laughed, “I’m not calling you stupid, doofus. But check this out.” Jean turned around and grabbed Marco’s shoulders, forcing the freckled man to face him._

_“What are you-“_

_Jean stopped him with his hand. “Wait.” He observed Marco closely, leaning forward. He began to drag his finger over his face, clearly creating a pattern. “You have a Big Dipper on your face, Marco!”_

_The taller man blushed a deep cherry red before he backed away and held his cheek in his hand, “H-Hey!”_

_Kirstein began to laugh again, and Marco along with him after he cooled a bit. They both agreed to sit down on the soft, wet grass beneath them and continue staring at the sky._

_Marco sighed, “Okay then. I’m the stars. But do you see that?” He asked as he pointed towards the moon._

_Jean nodded, “What about it?”_

_The other jabbed his finger into Jean’s shoulder. “That’s you.”_

_“Wha- Why me?”_

_“Because,” Marco started as he kept looking up with a faint smile, “It doesn’t matter if you’re full, half, quarter, or whatever. Whatever happens to you, I’ll always be there. Look anywhere, and you’ll find me. I’m the stars that never leaves the moon’s side. No matter what.”_

_“You cheesy idiot. I never knew you were such a romantic.”_

_“I’m trying.”_

_Jean smiled and leaned to the side, surprising Marco with a soft, chaste kiss._

Jean shed a single tear and felt as it slowly trailed down the side of his face. More came as he clutched the blanket and held onto it tightly.

He cried himself to sleep with the stars watching over through a small window.

* * *

 

Jean woke up the next morning with a tear stained face and an even more aching head. There was now pain in every single part of his body; from the tips of his toes to every single strand of hair on his muffin head. It emerged an annoyed groan from him as he tried to sit flat on his back. A shuffling noise was heard on his side and Jean looked, confused.

“A-Armin!? Holy fucking shit, are you even-“

The blonde was at his side, head laying down on the hospital bed and arms acting like a cushion to that.

“Mmmn..?”

“How did you…”

He slowly moved his head up, tired looking eyes looking lazily at him. “Eren… made me come early…”

“And they _let_ you in here?”

“Begging gets you… far in life…”

Jean immediately slapped the top of Armin’s head. “You begged your way in here!?”

Armin whined and rubbed the top of his head and finally sat up. “Mhm,” he hummed.

“You stupid little-“

The two-tone haired was interrupted by a knock on the door. He looked up and was met with Asparagus Nose and Brownstalk.

“Why the fuck are you here too?”

“We brought breakfast?”

“Fuck that. What’s with the unsure tone?”

“I don’t know if it’s edible.”

“Then why the hell did you buy it?”

“The really cashier gave me a look _after_ the food was paid for and given into my hands.”

“That’s shit-fucking stupid.”

“Well, I’m not the one going to eat it so..”

“Reiner, please,” The short blonde interrupted.”

“I’m going, I’m going Cocomin-“

“ _Cocomin?”_

“Blame it on Bertholt, he was talking about you and coconuts.”

“REINER!”

“Bertholt!?”

“So much noise.”

Jean’s eyes widened and looked over (or at least tried too; his body gave him too much pain), “Ymir!?”

“And Krista!”

“Woahohhh.” Jean smiled.

“’Sup jackass,” she replied as she took a look around. “Congratulations on failing to drive. How’d ya even get your driver’s license?”

“Ymir, you _taught_ me how to drive!”

Krista giggled, “Where’s Marco?”

Her question brought silence among the people. She frowned at them all before stepping up to speak again.

“Gu-“

Ymir grabbed her from behind. “I’ll take her to Marco. C’mon Krista,” she said, dragging Krista and herself out the room. Everyone could hear the protests coming from Krista as the two girls walked away.

Jean let out a soft sigh, “No one told her?”

Reiner shrugged, “Honestly, I didn’t even know they would come. We were planning after y’all returned home.”

“Ugh,” Jean groaned, “Everything hurts like shit.” He crawled back under the covers and left no part of his body exposed.

“Emotionally or physically?” Reiner attempted to tease.

“Both, you fucking moron,” he snarled back.

“Reiner…”

The taller blonde sighed, “Okay, okay. I’ll leave the food on.. that desk thingy with the flower pot on it.”

“We should go,” Armin said hesitantly, “C’mon guys.” He waved to the lump under the covers and exited the door along with Reiner and Bertholt after they set the McDonalds bag on the bedside table.

“Yeah, cya,” he mumbled to no one in particular, at least, no one anymore.

 

Not even five minutes later, he heard the sound of footsteps at the door. He tried to ignore it honestly, and hope whoever it was could see him being a complete downer under the covers and leave. But, that obviously wasn’t the case.

“Are you, uhm, sleeping?” the voice asked.

Jean’s eyebrows twitched and he shifted uncomfortably under the covers. _No I’m a fucking wizard playing with my wand under the covers._

“No,” he bitterly stated.

“O-Oh,” the male realized, “Well, it’s Marco…”

Jean’s eyes widened and he immediately threw the covers off, regretting it afterwards because the pain took its toll on his body. “Awh, _shit!_ ” He hissed.

Marco stood there blankly confused again. He had no crutches with him, just a cast on his right arm and a white band around his head.

“No pain killers?” The freckled man asked.

“No,” he grumbled back. “They probably wouldn’t even help anyway.”

“They helped me.”

“Great. Report it to the news. I’ll see you on Fox five at nine in the fucking morning.”

“Are you usually this grumpy?”

“Depends.”

Marco grinned and Jean returned it with a deathly scowl. The pain was preventing him from interacting with Marco, which was completely terrible.

“The doctors said we’re allowed to step up onto the rooftop now. I was going to ask if you’d like to come. I kind of want to talk to you.”

The two-tone haired man gave the other a funny look. He knew he was going to regret going out sooner or later, but he was being able to go out to Marco. _Marco_. The one who couldn’t even seem to remember him. He pushed the thought out of his head and pointed to the side. “Sure, why not? Pass me the crutches.”

Marco surprisingly obeyed well and moved to get the pair of crutches that leaned on the side of the wall. He handed them to Jean while he was trying to slide half of his body off the bed.

“Do you need help?”

“Huh? No, I’m fine I- _Woah_.”

Jean was lifted off the bed in a matter of seconds, and was left standing without even knowing. The crutches were forced under his arms and he grabbed onto them tightly. He looked up and saw Marco grinning again.

“Sorry I.. Well I tend to do things a lot without permission so.. Uh. Heh, I never even knew I would do that while having a broken..- Yeah…” Bodt started to blush a little and Jean _attempted_ to act normal.

“It’s fine, dude. Really. But, you’re really not kidding about doing that often. Believe me.”

He was told that Jean was his best friend. That meant for now, he had to play the part; no matter how hard it was for Jean to resist, he honestly had to do it.

Marco laughed , “Oh, yeah.. You ready?”

“Yeah.”

 

Marco opened the metal door, releasing the mighty wind from outside. He walked ahead, and Jean followed not too far behind. It was fairly windy outside, judging from the breeze smashing into his face, and the leaves not so kindly swaying roughly to the side. The freckled man walked to the railing and stood, leaning on it while the other came up next to him. They both stared down at the roaming cars below them, and the people walking down the sidewalk, or going in and out of the hospital.

“It’s peaceful,” Marco was the first to talk.

Jean tried to find the words to say. Yes, it surely was peaceful despite the wind. But it was hard to not think of past memories at the moment, especially memories with his _boyfriend_  at his side. He turned his head to look at the taller one, but his gaze wasn’t met. The other was staring up at the sky. His face was calm, unlike Jean’s. Jean’s was filled with the slightest bit of pain and confusion.

“Yeah,” he said softly, “Yeah, it is. Probably as peaceful as it gets.”

“Oh, really?”

Jean smiled, “Mhm. I come here often. Don’t ya remember when I broke my ankle tripping on a soccer ball? Or that story of when I- Oh…”

He stopped once he saw Marco looking at him with a sympathetic smile.

“I didn’t mean to.. to-“

“It’s okay,” Marco said softly. “It’s my fault I can’t even remember.”

Kirstein watched as Marco rested his elbow on the railing and clutched his head in his uninjured hand. “I can’t remember a single thing.”

“Hey,” Jean called, putting a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t pressure yourself.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I said you don’t have to p-“

“Are we allowed to start over?”

The question caught him by surprise. To start over – to start it all over – what did it mean? If he said yes, was he supposed to let it all go completely? If they were to start over all over again, wouldn’t it mean he had barely a chance of being someone who meant more to him than anyone else again?

It was unacceptable.

It couldn’t happen.

“Marco, I have to tell you-“

“I don’t need to hear it.”

“- something…”

A soft sigh left Marco’s lips, “You don’t want to, it’s okay.”

Jean narrowed his eyes; Marco had completely misunderstood the situation. “No that’s not what I.. Marco I really have to tell you this.”

The freckled man started back, “What?”

“I’m.. I’m-“

_"He could overthink things and try harder to remember."_

“I’m actually…”

_"It could make the situation worse."_

He couldn’t do it.

“Glad you thought of that idea … I think we’re okay if we start over..” He mumbled with a fake grin. If any moment could be the worst moment of their life, it would fucking be this one.

“You really think so?” Marco asked, face lightening as he finally stood straight.

“Yeah,” Jean ended up smiling, but more of a hurtful smile as he kept speaking soft from now on, “It couldn’t hurt, so why not?”

He lied; of course it would hurt. It could hurt so much that the pain could grind up his insides and the pain still couldn’t compare to the one he was about to feel. He was going to let Marco go because he _had_ to, but he knew himself he wouldn’t be able to do it so quickly, let alone fucking easily.

“I’m glad I’m friends with you,” Marco smiled back as he turned to head back inside, “You seem pleasant to be around.”

_“friends”_

Jean raised his brows, “Pleasant?” He followed after the taller one. “Fucking pleasant? I enjoy your choice of words, Marco.”

There we go, he was leading this conversation well.

He laughed, “Look, I’m trying.”

“Apparently your failing too.”

“Get off my case.”

“No, I’m the best lawyer there is, Mr. Bodt.”

“Funny.”

 

The minute Jean and Marco arrived in the shorter’s hospital room, he immediately went to his bed and dropped his crutches. He blinked at Marco who was quietly giggling.

“Look, the damn sticks tire out my body, ‘kay?”

“I’m not judging,” he said as he took a seat in the guest chair.

“Right… You know you don’t have to stay here with me.” _No, stay here with me._

“Oh, um, right sorry. Just wanted to make sure you got here.. safely..?” He laughed awkwardly, standing from the chair. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, cya.”

Jean expected him to leave; he expected him to turn around, and leave straight through that door and shut it closed with an innocent smile.

But he didn’t.

“Marco?”

He stood there frozen, barely within arm’s reach from Jean and said no response.

“Hey, Marco?”

Nothing.

“Marco. Marco, hey, you’re worrying me. Marco, baby, hey-“ His eyes widened. He was too late – he couldn’t slip the words back into his mouth as fast as they slipped out.

It was the trigger for Marco to come back to reality. The freckled man shook his head slightly for a second before looking back at Jean with the saddest expression on his face that it almost hurt to even look at it. Confusion. Sadness. A face Jean once took on. He’d known he fucked up.

“I swear I-“

“I’m sorry,” Marco interrupted. “I kinda blacked out, didn’t I? Wow.” He sadly chuckled, which was a sway in a different direction. He looked like he was about to cry.

“You..okay?”

“Y-Yeah, I’m okay. Something just happened.. Uhm, I should go,” He smiled. “Bye.”

The door shut, and Jean was left alone.

He now realized it was much more difficult for him to hide under the covers. No matter how many times he went under, he couldn’t help uncovering himself when Marco appeared. It was always how it was in the past, and that’s how it would be in the future. The present was stuck in between and has no choice to follow through.

He’d have to hide his feelings again. All over again. He was staring at the door, thinking about how much pain his heart would have to endure. There was still a chance of Marco gaining his memories back, but what about the time in between then and now? Just how much time would that be?

_No matter what, my ass._


End file.
